drugs.

I thought I found the love of my life. I thought I was going to marry this girl. She had my heart before I even knew what happened. I opened up, I let her in. Now I’m losing her… no, I’ve already lost her. I knew being with someone with a child would be hard but I never knew it would be this hard. The father of the child has come back into the picture, and now she has feelings for him again. Yet, she’s still in love with me? How can a single heart belong to two? It can’t. I’ve already lost the battle. He is staying at her house now. He gets to wake up in the morning and see their smiling faces. That is supposed to be my family. He lost his chance when he chose drugs over them over a year ago. It isn’t fair. But that’s life I guess. It builds you up to be the happiest you never thought possible, then fucks you over and rips everything away in the blink of an eye. 
All I want is to make her happy.
I want to kiss her forehead when she’s mad.
I want to make her laugh when she’s feeling down.
Hold her when she’s cold.
Care for her when she’s sick. 
Now I’ll never get the chance.
I hope he knows how great of a family he has and he spends the rest of his life doing his best to make them happy. 

I see you were talking about me… How sweet.

Sooo, I’m just looking over your tumblr and now I’m in fucking tears. Maybe because I’m a fucking heroin addict and I’m too sensitive for life. Or maybe its the fact that I read through this, and I can remember when and what we were doing around the time you posted what… And it was sitting in my house smoking endless heroin and meth. And then I look at that last sentence and want to fucking kill myself. And then I see your last post, and I really fucking hate myself… 
And my reasons, YOU ARE THE BEST FUCKING FRIEND ANYONE COULD ASK FOR AND I DON’T DESERVE… Because, no matter what you say, I did this too you. I put you in this position to choose your well earned sobriety or the drug you beat before. I loved you, but still chose to feed your lust and bring you into my cruel decisions. I hate what I let myself let you get into and I hate myself the most when I see that last post and I realize, if it weren’t for me, you’d never even have had to go through any of this.
And it’s all because, I let my self go. I let the METH TAKE ME, AGAIN. And even though you wanted it, I let you have it. I let all of this happen, because HEROIN took control of my life and let me drag you down too. 
And then, I see what I’ve become and know I don’t deserve you. I let drugs blind me and put you in the worst kind of danger. I love you more then anything, and I love how you can sit there and say it was so easy to get the fuck out. Because no matter how badly I want too, I CANNOT ESCAPE THIS. I am so grateful for you and that I barely see you anymore because I am affraid I’ll convince you to fall down this fucking rabbit hole with me AGAIN…

HE ROIN AND METH RUINED MY LIFE, it consumed me and all that I am, all that made me yours. And I can’t get the fuck away from it. I can’t turn away. It’s holding me here, and it drives me crazy because no matter how hard or badly I want to or try to get clean, I turn right back around and dive in. Like I’m brainwashed. I hate my life and I hate what I’ve become. Heroin made me THE WORST friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter, you could picture. I AM A JUNKIE, nothing more nothing less.

Dopeaminee, please make this public, your reader need to see this, if anyone cares to. But those people asking you and all the other drug blogs how to do this and that NEED to see what happens once you already know how to do it and more.. They need to see what these drugs do…. what this pain is really like…

With love and regret,

Doppey<333

I’ve been sober for 2 months now and I don’t even miss the drugs.
I’ve finally decided to discontinue this blog. I have no need for it now.
I’m not saying I regret anything, I’m just done with this part of my life.  

I love you all…
Stay safe, stay smart.